Chicken Little was right — the sky ‘is’ falling.
Just when we thought we had dodged the bullet of The Mayan Prophecy, along comes another evil harbinger for the end of the world — killer meteors. (Or should I say, killer meteorites.)
Did you know? — This is an important distinction to make. Meteors are nothing more than fly-bys of small bodies of matter from outer space (asteroids) that pass through earth’s atmosphere. They provide an entertaining evening light show, but as far as we know, don’t hurt anyone.
But when those meteors strike the earth, they become meteorites. That’s when the $h!T hits the fan — or in the case of the Russian meteorite, shards of glass rain down on thousands of unsuspecting people.
When this happens, scientists should call them hemorrh-oids, because they can be extremely uncomfortable.
Having walked through more than my share of patio doors during my life, I can greatly sympathize with all those innocent, injured Russians. One day after celebrating Valentine’s Day — BOOM! — Their window of reality shattered, clearly showing that modern life in Russia can be a ‘pane.’
Then just a few hours later, yet another fireball (aka: meteor) put on a spectacular display, whizzing across the sky off the west coast of America. Folks in San Francisco were monetarily startled — but quickly returned to eating their sushi.
So what does all this mean? Why, all of a sudden, are so many asteroids, meteors, and meteorites popping up (and down) all over the place — even in my column?
Scientists have an answer for this. — They have an answer for everything.
In this case, it’s the scientific community’s reason No. 1 — “This is perfectly normal; absolutely nothing unusual.”
They cite that small meteors are streaking by the earth all the time. We can’t see them during the daytime, and at night most of us are trying to get a little sleep. What’s more, in the last census, it was determined that most meteors are less than a yard in diameter. (That’s the 3-foot ‘yard’ of measure, not the size of your yard or mine.)
Thankfully, only about 500 meteorites strike the earth each year, and only a handful can be tracked by weather radar — which is good, because reports of 3-foot-diameter hail would be more than a little scary.
Hey, I just thought about this — Do you think that’s why they call weather professionals meteorologists? And what about the retired ‘meteorologist’ who pitches Auto Advantage? I can just see him telling all of us that a meteor loses 25 percent of its value, the minute it hits the earth.
Calling all meteors, calling all meteors, could we get a little help down here? We have a weatherman turned used car salesman just begging for a little justice from outer space. “Why pay the difference, when … (ZAP!)” Enough said.
Editors note: The opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the deranged columnist. The Mountaineer wishes no injury befall Bob Caldwell, nor any ill will for Auto Advantage.