I've been dealing with a lot of deadlines lately. A deadline for the paper I have to write for English class, a deadline for my copy for my pages in the yearbook, the deadline I make for myself on when to write these blogs, all the deadlines for work, for life. These things that I know I must do and there's this invisible timeline for when it has to be done.
Now though, now I'm coming up on the biggest deadline of all. The deadline to get my FAFSA information in, and scholarship applications. The deadline to tell my university that I'll be attending. The biggest one: the deadline where I have to decide what I'm going to be doing the rest of my life, because life as I've known it is about to change.
Although I'll admit to a severe case of senioritis, I'm mostly afflicted with the immense amount of things that I have to get done in the next few months before it all ends. Before I get a new set of deadlines and a new set of goals to aim for. I think I'm ready for that change, but I don't know how ready I am for the obstacles I have to maneuver in order to get there.
The more that I think about it, the more that I realize senior year isn't all it's cracked up to be. I remember way back to when I was in fifth grade, I was about to make another change, the big one to go to the middle school where I would have more "freedom" and the excitement of a locker. I wouldn't have to stand in line anymore with my index finger over my lips to signify that I was in silence all the way down those dreadful halls to lunch. But before every change, and as I've grown, I always used to think, I can't wait till I'm older. When I'm older I will be able to do what I want and have no one telling me what to do without any explanation. And every year I've gotten the exact opposite. Sure I don't have to go down the halls with my finger to my lips, and I don't have to sit in an assigned seat, but if I could go back to playground days and nap time during school, I would. I would go back to the days where my biggest worry was avoiding the mean girls on the playground and the duty of washing dishes. Now my worries are far beyond that, far beyond what I imagined they would be by now. (Then again when I was 5 I thought that by this age I would have found fortune and fame in singing, and of course, be a princess.)
The realization that I have come to is that the older I get, the less freedom I have. Perhaps as I'm looking into my future, I still have the faintest of hopes that one day, just one day, I will live a life where I will be the only one who's telling me what to do. Alas, that would be a lie. I could pretend that surely we aren't destined to a life of following rules and orders, but whether it be family, society, or the government, unless we lock ourselves in the woods somewhere where no one can find us, we will always follow some set of rules.
It's strange how immensely different the perspectives are from elementary school days until now. And maybe that's all it is, perspectives. Perspectives and the realization that there's some things in life that will never change. All I know is what I have experienced, and I guess the questions of today are usually answered sometime tomorrow.