Did you know? If you keep goats, watch out for Chupacabra

Goats seen a ghost?

By Paul Viau | Jul 25, 2012
Source: File photo SHE'S GOT BETTE DAVIS EYES — Sheep and goats have rectangular pupils ... all the better to see you (and Chupacabra) with!

My first two columns in July — devoted to goats — caused quite a stir, and I heard a variety of comments from readers — everything from, “Nice goats” to “We need more goats,” and even “Surely, you made up the whole story about fainting goats.”
I hate when people call me “Surely.” So, back by popular demand is another goat-related column about a legendary creature that (I’m not making this up) sucks blood from goats.

Attention all you Florida visitors who have spent time around Hispanic cultures (which, in case you haven’t noticed, includes alllllll areas of Florida) — here is the story of Chupacabra.

According to the very reliable “Skeptics Dictionary” — a collection of strange beliefs, amusing deceptions and dangerous delusions — Chupacabra is an animal unknown to science that is systematically killing smaller animals in places like Puerto Rico, Miami, Nicaragua, South Miami, Mexico, Chile, North Miami, Kendall and Hialeah.

The creature’s name, which means (in Spanish) chupa (sucker of) cabra (goats), originated with the discovery of dead goats in Puerto Rico. The goats were found with puncture wounds in their necks, and (astonishingly) their blood had been drained.
According to another very reliable source — the March/April 1996 issue of “UFO Magazine” — there have been more than 2,000 cases of animal mutilations in Puerto Rico attributed to Chupacabra.

“Why Puerto Rico?” you might ask. Well, Puerto Rico is quite a popular destination for both goats and tourists. Also, lots of rum is consumed in and around Puerto Rico.
But the real reason for all the Chupacabra sightings in Puerto Rico is the incredible (now there’s an understatement) first eyewitness account of Chupacabra, which appeared in the Puerto Rican newspaper (I definitely am making this up), “El Chicacabra,” by a woman named Madelyne Tolentino.

Her police-artist-assisted drawing of Chupacabra appeared very much like the alien creature in 1995 science fiction horror movie, “Species,” which Tolentino had recently seen.

Even more bizarre, after this drawing was published, all subsequent Chupacabra descriptions were astonishingly similar. So Chupacabra must be real.

To the best of my knowledge, there have been no Chupacabra sightings in Haywood County — ever.

But in UFO believer’s circles (crop circles), Chupacabras are considered “ABEs” — Anomalous Biological Entities, believed to be the pets of extraterestrials.

Yes, I said pets.

I would have expected extraterrestrials to be smarter than to travel lightyears with pets, but still, I urge caution — especially if you plan (as all Haywood County residents should) to attend Sarge’s 7th Annual Dog Walk, Saturday, Aug. 4 in downtown Waynesville.

And please — don’t encourage Chupacabra. Leave your fainting goats at home.