Looking Forward to Looking Back

By Kristian Buckner | Aug 16, 2012

My life is a tragicomedy.

AP English so far has taught me what that is, thanks to the play, Waiting for Godot. Just like the men in the play, my life is an absurd redundancy. My life isn’t really exactly the same day for day, but I do the same tasks, over, and over, and over, and over. I keep getting pulled back into the same stressful rut I end up in, and the comical aspect is, I put myself there because I, for some odd reason, want to be there.

So I guess I’m finally at that stage in life. The one where you get pulled in two directions. Or five. I feel like there isn’t enough time in the day to complete my work, and still eat, and breathe, and sleep, and just forget a social life. I think I am on the brink of literally losing my mind, and while others seem to be on the same roller coaster I am, it still seems like the people that I work for the most refuse to understand. But really, if one was to break my life down, here are the things I must keep up:

  • Writing. I must write, without it, where would I be?
  • My grades…. Two AP classes, and more.
  • Work. I need money for what? Gas. Insurance. Spain trip in spring break; did I even look at the cost? And all the other various expenses of my life.
  • More work, when the work I do have/do isn’t getting me enough to pay for everything.
  • Social life, if that exists.
  • Clubs… all the ones pretty much that I did last year, what’s that? Less then ten I hope.
  • Chores and various things to appease my parents…
  • Oh, and sleep. I should sleep.

 

Okay, so in retrospect, it’s really not that hard; but I can’t help but wonder who else is feeling it too? I mean, not everyone has the same list I do, but I wonder who else is in my shoes?

We go through life with this strange sense of time and a mental checklist. Not just for things we’ve got to do within the week, but things we want to do before we die, or before we hit 30, or whatever. Sometimes we hit this smooth patch where we think we’ve got the hang of it, and sleeping is an option. Other times though, the majority it seems, is this frantic hurry to make everything happen now. We try to please everyone around us and somehow follow this life that we’ve planned out for ourselves that, in all honesty, may or may not happen. I want to follow my dreams and work for that, do everything I can possible for that, however I want to make myself happy now, and not, well, miserable. All at the same time too I know that my parents have this expectation that I’m trying to fulfill, and to top it all of, I’m apparently supposed to smile and have a “good attitude” all the while, which isn’t always an easy task.

So what’s a girl to do? Who am I really doing all this work for? Me? My parents? My future… something? Who?

I’m still trying to decide, and to keep my head on. All in all though, in all the ways that we get tugged, we must have a baseline for who we are really doing this all for. Maybe it’s a friend, a teacher, your parents, your spouse, your kids, whoever it is, it better be worth it. And in the end, don’t forget to include yourself, the person whose life you really are living.

I’m looking forward to whatever future I do have, and knowing who I’ve got to do this all for, and I think that’s all we’ve got, to look forward to the good things. Right now, what’s hitting me the most is, I’m looking forward to looking back to now, and knowing that it was all worth it.

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