Lookout goats — here come the cockroaches

Did you know?
By Paul Viau | Jun 26, 2013
Photo by: Flie photo FACE-T0-FACE PESTS — A roach and a locust met on a log. The locust said, 'Hello Zombie!' The roach replied, 'Stop bugging me.'

In an effort to continuously entertain and inform my readers, I bring you news about America’s favorite insect — the cockroach.

I wish I could report to you that scientists have made a tremendous breakthrough, and have discovered a way to eradicate these pesky creatures. But, quite the contrary,

cockroach populations are still on the rise — including an increase in “Zombie Cockroaches.” More about that later.

Did you know? — Cockroaches have been around our planet since prehistoric times, which is (for those of you who don’t have a calendar) is about 200 million years ago.

If you watched the movie “Jurassic Park,” there were cockroaches on the set, far smaller than the cockroaches of the real Jurassic Age. There were also actors in the movie, famed for having the same effect on people as roaches.

I refer, of course, to Wayne Knight, who played the bumbling chief programmer for InGen in the movie. I don’t know if you recognized him, but it is the same actor who played Newman in the television series “Seinfeld.”

I include this little fact to provide continuity between my columns for my most avid readers, one of whom is Art Vandelay.

Getting back to the subject at hand — roaches — I can just imagine a swarm of roaches recoiling in disgust, at the sight of — “Newman!”

Did you know? — Cockroaches are amazingly adaptive little (and not-so-little) creatures. Scientists recently discovered that, in an amazing display of rapid evolution, cockroaches have started to lose their sweet tooth.

This is really bad news for roach bait manufacturers, because corn syrup is their main, inactive ingredient. But this could hold great promise for America.

If roaches can lose their “taste” for sweets, maybe there is hope for our youth.

If they could somehow “curb their enthusiasm” for high fructose corn syrup, we wouldn’t be such an overweight nation. And if our youth were leaner and more active, they could participate in more outdoor activities, like “Zombie Runs.”

Which brings me full circle to a very fascinating insect — the emerald cockroach wasp. Mother nature has taught this impressive creature how to insert its stinger into the brain of a roach and inject a toxin that leaves the roach in a “Zombie” state.

Then the wasp grasps the antenna and leads it, “like as dog on a leash” back to its nest. Things get pretty gruesome for the “Zombie Roach” after that, so I won’t go into any detail.

Let’s just say that the emerald cockroach wasp, knows eggs-actly what to do with roaches.

With the popularity of the “Zombie” genre of movies today, I’m surprised that this wonder of nature has not been made into a movie. But then again, Americans hate roaches.

What scares me even more than roaches, is that there is probably a group of scientists out there with a plan to introduce emerald cockroach wasps into the environment to “control” roaches. And naturally, they will be getting federal funding.

I say, leave the emerald cockroach wasps (and their scientist buddies) alone— limiting their mind-control experiments to the privacy native African, Indian and Pacific Island homes.

I, for one, don’t want to see wasps leading “Zombie Cockroaches” on a tour of my kitchen.

I’ll be writing more about cockroaches in an upcoming column or two. In the meantime, be on the lookout — They’re everywhere.

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