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My ‘Whacky-ka-Whacky' New Year’s predictions for 2017

By Paul Viau | Jan 11, 2017
Photo by: File photo LOOK INTO THE FUTURE — This could be the best year ever. Especially if Paul Viau's predictions come true.

January

#1 — There will be no Super Bowl in January again this year, because the NFL takes so long to determine the AFC and NFC champions. I recommend a people’s vote be factored in, like on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ and ‘America’s Got Talent.’

#2 — Mariah Carey will not perform at, Donald Trump’s inauguration, despite the President-elect’s love of the ladies, especially those prone to wardrobe malfunctions.

February

#1 — The old fashioned Roman numerals used to mark the number of Super Bowls, will be changed to ordinary numerals after the increasing number of football-relates back injuries.

You guess it — to the L-1, L-2, L-3, L-4, etc. vertebrae.

#2 — The Viau family poinsettia bundles will be heard multiplying in the basement storage area. BTW — Did you know? Poinsettias were named after Joel Poinsett of South Carolina. More on that in December.

March

#1 — Millions of Christians will celebrate Ash Wednesday, then spend two weeks or more deciding what to give up for Lent.

#2 — The Affordable Care Act, nicknamed ‘Obama Care,’ will be repealed and replaced with a new, non-health care plan called ‘Trickle-Down Care.’

April

#1 — Just like that, America is great again. — April fools!

#2 — The 2017 Major League Baseball season will start with the Cleveland Indians losing their first three games. Could it have anything to do with the goat donated from the Cubs that wandered around their spring training site — so optimistically located in Goodyear, Arizona?

May

#1 — Democrats in Congress will present a bill reducing the number of seasons to three —What winter?, Mild summer and Hot summer.

#2 — ‘Climate change deniers’ will repeal the bill on the first vote.

June

#1 — Russians will again hack the Democratic National Committee Web site, but find no-one home. All messages are now routed to a private e-mail server, making messages disappear.

#2 — Vladimir Putin has, “No Comment.”

July

#1 — America celebrates the Fourth of July with fireworks made in China, proof that America is still not great again.

#2 — The newly-formed ‘Dem-Birthers’ group discover that President Donald J. Trump was born in Jamaica Hospital. Though the hospital is located in New York City, they still demand to see the President’s birth certificate. Unfortunately, it’s being audited.

August

#1 — The months of the year have revolted. January, feeling sorry for February has given it an extra day. March jumped on the bandwagon and also donated a day to February. They have formed an alliance with the other months with 30 days, with May donating a day to September. If they do, the new rhyme to remember the months will be, “First six months 30 days each, July through December, 31 days, each to remember.”

#2 — A jubilant Clark Williams, owner/brewmaster of Waynesville’s Frog Level Brewing, offers ‘Free Beer’ on Feb. 29 to all former ‘Leaplings.’

September

#1 — The town of Helen, Georgia, opens its month-long Octoberfest celebration.

#2 — Thousands of ‘Leaf Peepers’ will descend on the Smoky Mountains, before any leaves have turned.

October

#1 — The town of Helen, Georgia, ends its month-long Octoberfest celebration.

#2 — Miller Brewing Company, Anheuser Busch Brewing and Pabst Brewing Company all introduce lite Octoberfest and Pumpkin Spice beers.

November

#1 — To boost tourism before ‘What Winter?,’ the town of Helen, Georgia, celebrates Thanksgiving on the first Thursday of the month.

#2 — A turkey shortage forces most Americans to celebrate Thanksgiving with rotisserie chickens.

December

#1 — President Trump celebrates Christmas at the Kremlin.

#2 — In his last press conference of the year, President Trump acknowledges that it will take two terms to Make America great again.

 

Did you know? — This is all tongue-in-cheek. Have a Happy New Year.

 

 

 

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