What to do with all those 'maters.
Ah, ’tis ’mater season again, and Yellow Stripeys, Cherokee Purples, Orange Noodles and good-ole Boxcar Willies are taking over our porch, kitchen countertop and both refrigerators.
I’ve had tomato omelets for breakfast, ’mater sandwiches for lunch, and a ’mater side salad for every dinner I can remember. The other day, I felt something funny in my ear, and (You guessed it) I had ’maters coming out of my ears. And it was messy.
So I asked a buddy at work, “What can I do with all these ’maters?” He said I should “put some up.”
So I did.
I put ’maters “up” on top of the refrigerator, “up” on the top shelves of the kitchen cabinets, “up” high in my closet, behind the hat collection, even “up” on the mantle above the fireplace.
You guessed it again —my wife saw red (literally) and she was right.
“It’s a shame to waste such wonderful and delicious work of Mother Nature,” she said.
So, in an effort to help you stem the tide of ’maters flowing into your kitchen, here are 10 helpful suggestions.
(1) (I like this one for Sunday mornings.) Put random tomatoes (whole or in pieces) into the blender; add salt, Tabasco sauce, Vodka, and any other seasonings you like. Hit the switch and start blending. Pour over ice in tall glasses and consume liberally (as in Democrat). If the spirit moves you, you can occasionally yell, “Bloody Mary!”
(2) If that is too complicated, try this: Take two slices of soft white or wheat bread, slather with mayonnaise (I prefer Baconaise!), add a slice of your best heirloom tomato and eat. Repeat as needed until all your ’maters are all gone.
(3) Salsa. Since it’s almost time for “Dancing with the Stars,” why not whip up a batch of America’s favorite condiment? Did you know? — Salsa has replaced ketchup as the Numero Uno Condimento. (Sorry, Heinz®). While you were concentrating on the thickest, slowest pour, the rest of the world was making (and eating) tacos. If you can’t beat them (as in keeping up with the Pace®), join them.
(4) Gazpacho. This is a great way to get rid of all of those things overgrowing your garden — ’maters, cucumbers, peppers, onions, cilantro — chop, chill and cherish my wife’s favorite summer soup.
(5) “The Seinfeld.” Regift your extra ’maters to family, friends and co-workers. Share the bounty.
(6) “The Politically Correct.” If you really have more ’maters than you know what to do with, drop them by The Open Door, at 32 Depot St., in Frog Level. This wonderful charity will use them to feed the hungry.
(7) “The Not-So-Politically Correct.” Deposit your millions of ’maters into foreign banks and refuse to disclose your holdings. If anyone asks you how many ’maters you have … deny, deny, deny!
(8) The Drive-by. Put a bunch of ’maters in a brown paper bag. Slowly, quietly, drive into a neighborhood where no one will recognize your car. Pick a house, put the bag of ’maters on the porch, ring the doorbell … and drive away. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
(9) Make your own ’mater pie. At Canton’s recent ’Mater Fest, ’mater pie ruled. It was the longest line for all the food vendors. So Google up a recipe and start baking. You’ll have a family following.
(10) Better yet, take your extra ’maters to Kanini’s Catering, 1196 N. Main St., Waynesville, and have them make you their ’mater pie. Seriously, for $15 they’ll whip you up “The Best ’Mater Pie Ever” — with their signature puff pastry crust and a sinfully rich blend of ingredients that will make you forget that you haven’t even made a dent in all those ’maters.