Young and Naive

By Kristian Buckner | Oct 22, 2013
Photo by: blog.funeralalone.com

I was thinking about my old friends the other day, and about who I used to be. Ever do that? Do you ever just sit down one day and remember who you used to be? What you used to look like? How your style used to be? Your beliefs, your favorite things, the people who you surrounded yourself with? Sure there are bits and parts of you that are the essence of you and will never change. But there are also pieces of us that are continually changing, evolving who we are, and make up who we will become.

Late night talk and sleep deprivation led to thoughts of the old me, the old heartbreak, the old inspiration, the old way of thinking. I used to trust too fast, care too much, be more loyal than was deserved. I used to be many things, and in a way, I am some of those very same things, seen under a different light. I am still young, one day I will look back on now and will be lost in reverie of how young I was; but I was younger then. I am still naive, and one day I will look back on how naive I was, nodding my head in a knowing way; but I was more naive then. Perhaps these states of being young and naive stay the same continuously to no one but our older selves. And as I grow to be an old woman I will still be young and naive to the older woman that has yet to become.

I was thinking about the lessons that I've learned, some that I was taught, others that I taught myself. I learned how to be a friend, making friends, having best friends. I learned how to trust a friend, and consequently I also learned who were not friends and who not to trust. I learned to be a judge of character, in all attempts to not be judgmental. I learned to think for myself. To be a leader, not a follower. I learned how to deal with heartbreak, and thanks to some amazing people, I learned how to forgive and feel a new kind of love and friendship. I've learned many other things too, like, there will always be hateful people that want to bring you down. And also, that while those people exist, there are loving ones to equal it out, and even make it better.

All these things have molded me and changed me, and I'm sure you've all had these experiences too. But there is something that all these lessons have in common: they were all discovered as a result of people, their actions, and my response.

I knew that, during the night, when I was laying awake in my bed and remembering me. I remembered those people. Some of them I will forever hold somewhere in my heart. The best friend who taught me to be a real friend by being there for me, talking to me, laughing and crying with me, but mostly laughing. She taught me that it was okay to be who I was, even if others made fun of me and made me hate myself. (Those people were all just jealous anyway.) She taught me to laugh, hold my head high, and what it was like to have family where blood wasn't the similarity.

I remember the other friend who broke my heart. The close friend who I shared my all with: my writing, my house, my thoughts. I trusted her because that's what I knew to do, to trust people. For a long time she taught me to be confident in my skill, and made sure I knew I had skill. She shared her thoughts, and together who conquered the world, if only in our imaginations. But she also taught me what a broken heart was, and what it meant to feel alone in her absence. She taught me to lose a little trust for people. More importantly though, she taught me that some people move on, grow older, and find other friends. As they do, you must learn to as well.

And I thought of someone, someone who has taught me the importance of trust in every relationship, no matter what, and that forgiveness is key as well. A person who has taught me to love a little, laugh a little, and be silly when the times right. This person helped me realize that my attitude about things matter, my attitude will make people think of me in one way or another. And that if I want something, I have to work for it, it won't come easy. This person taught me what it was to care for someone, truly, more than I cared for myself . This person has taught me many things. Most of all though, that I should think for myself.

There have been many more people who have forced me to learn a lesson or two. Some experiences bad, others good. Some current, some fleeting. And I thought about the lessons that I've taught other people, whatever and to whomever they may be. (I hope that it was a good lesson, a positive experience.) Everyday I am learning more from new experiences, I am evolving due to those experiences. I am still struggling with things I always have, I still am trying to find inner peace, and I am still on an expedition towards self-love. (But I now know the significance of those things, and why I must strive for them.) I hope that one day, when I am old and wise, I can look back, like I am now, at the things I've been taught, and the people that have forever changed my life, and know that I have done the same for other people. Until then, to all the people who have done something to change my life, directly or inadvertently, I thank you. I know things now I didn't before. I am older and wiser. I've grown and will continue to grow. Thank you to all the jerks who made me stronger, and all the kind people who held me up.

Perhaps this blog isn't the one where you will read and come to a greater understanding of life or yourself, but I hope, for those that are reading, that you can take a moment to look back on how you've changed, and take a moment to appreciate all those people who've changed you. I hope that you like more who you are today, everyday, than who you were yesterday. And I hope that you will continuously look towards tomorrow with intentions to be a wiser you.

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